Anyway- WHAHOOOOOOOO 20 YEARS!
This was a big one for one. Two decades worth of emotions: anger, sadness, hate, bitterness, and then – understanding, calmness, peace and down right proud, all went through me as I drove down to West Virginia to see my brother and my nephew. It was a 10 hour trip that we decided since I was beginning after a full work day, I should stop at the halfway point and get a hotel. Well, this was good and bad:
Good- because I probably shouldn’t drive the 10 hours after working 9 hours, after being up with my little Moose 2 in the twice… annnd Bad- because it definitely gave me time alone to go through all those feelings without a real conversation about it.
((Mind you – I’ve done the trip 3 other times this month without stopping halfway to get a night’s rest and I actually prefer this way of doing it- “just freaking get there already” kind of thing, ya know?))
But this time, on the eve of my betes-birthday (I don’t say “diaversary… when you say it out loud the DIE part of it always seems to stand out and that bothers me) I was all kind of emotional and just plain ol’ -meh. In some ways I’m truly thankful for this horrible disease and all it’s provided me with. And then, of course there are a million ways I was/am just hating the fact that I’ve had this disease for 20 years.
What I was finally able to remind myself of was this: I have diabetes, it doesn’t have me. I call the shots (pun intended). I am the one who can make or break me – not diabetes. I am stronger than I ever knew I could be because of this disease. I have fought longer than I knew was possible. I have overcome heartbreak and obstacles meant to break me because of this disease. BUT IT HAS NOT WON.
I am a warrior, and to that – I thank this invisible enemy that I fight everyday. You don’tknow how strong you can be, until strength is your only option right? Well, it was diabetes that showed me that strength. It was diabetes that MADE me fight everyday. It was diabetes that made me who I am.
Thanks Diabetes for choosing me to be your sparring partner for the rest of our days together. Thanks for letting me kick your ass on an almost daily basis and pretending you have the power to kick mine every now and then. Thanks for putting a flame in me that I will never let go out.
It’s sad it took a road trip, a night alone in a hotel and 20 years to remember that, but – better late than never. And as always, I will be better, not bitter.
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